I’m near it, or I’ve reached it. But I know I want to go no lower than this. I wanted to die.
***Note: this post forms part of a series which explores how our quick-fix fantasy affects the Ayahuasca process. This post is part 3.
Here is part 1: The Antidote – an introduction
And part 2: Humping the Antidote
Some people reduce Ayahuasca to a bundle of chemicals, a wonder medicine that resolves imbalances in the psycho-physical information system known as a human being. Others regard Ayahuasca as a wise, divine discarnate grandmother spirit who operates independently of your will but has your best interests at heart. Either way, if these metaphors / theories are driven by the antidote fantasy (our desire for a quick-fix to the symptoms of our problems), we believe the drug or ‘grandmother’ either acts on the passive recipient, or it/she does not. The patient has little or no responsibility for their experience both during and after the…
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I felt I was half awake, I could feel a stabbing pain on my torso on the left side. It felt as tho some organ was being choked.
I fell asleep angry about a few things that happened at work. I had been totally ok about them, but around 2am they kept swimming through my head, I let them as my body reacted with anger and shame, and I tried to focus on my breath. Eventually I fell asleep not quite as angry.
In my dream I was at work. Everyone hated me , all my co-workers. I could tell they talked about me behind my back and saw me as less-than. When I spoke to then they treated me as such. I was getting so upset and dizzy and disoriented and the pain on my side was constantly there.
I went to the office where I saw my friend Lee and she was crying and saying some stuff I don’t remember, for a brief moment I realized I was dreaming and tried to analyze what she was saying. I felt the pain again. And I forgot I was dreaming.
Now my body was vibrating all over. People at work redoubled there hate on me, judging my work and my imbalance as I walked. But I was dying. I ran into this girl that was the worst of them all, she looked like the quintessential chicken head Ive always had run ins with as a kid.
She was looking for ways to make me miserable. I felt more and more like I was dying. I went to fight her but my muscles were wasted and my coordination was off and there was no way I can take her.
I was screaming for my husband that I wanted to quit my job! That I was dying and I needed to quit. But he said that I couldn’t . I went into the bathroom to change a bloody pad. When I came back out I brought the garbage with me which was filled with bloody pads. This bag broke open as I walked out and the chicken head girl started calling attention to it and saying all kinds of nasty things about me. I kept saying I was sick and I had endometriosis and that I can’t help that I bleed so much. All the while it was like I was leaving my body. I was vibrating all over, dizzy , disoriented, I had a stabbing pain, I couldn’t coordinate my limbs.
I woke up genuinely thinking I was dying. but the feeling quickly wore off as I called for my husband and he reassured me. By the time I fully awoke the pain in my side was gone. Could it really had only been a dream ? Even now I clearly remember the pain. I don’t fucking know buy after another bad dream about my brother I’m feeling rather bad this morning, like taken advantage of. Weak, shame, and a deep disappointment in myself.
Nervousness, paranoia, anxiety attacks
Fluttering heart, tachycardia, heartburn/pain
Anger and intrusive thoughts Continue reading “The withdrawal symptoms from weed are real”
3 days ago on Tuesday afternoon I collected my very small skinny Bridgesii plants that I had been growing on the window sill. They were a little stressed due to lack of water and my worry about over-watering them. I ended up under-watering them by quite a bit in my opinion. Either way, it was time to take a trip into my mind with the help of this plant.
Index coming soon…
The Blue Pills
I am at home. Not my waking life home, larger, but my home nonetheless . I feel off…somehow. J, my husband is here sitting at the table with me and another friend that I dearly care about, No one I actually know in waking life, lets call him Character…..MEMORY FADES….I am staring at some little blue pills inside an rx vial. I am stupified, And then the fog that is my mind starts to clear, this is PALPABLE, It’s like suddenly waking up, or sobering up in a second, like I had been under water drowning for ages without realizing, its like being almost black out drunk or high as fuck, you know that muddled mind feeling, where you can’t find yourself? It’s like suddenly waking up from that. (its important to note i’ve recently started taking buspar for anxiety, i was taking a 2 week supply of xanax(2 weeks ago), I was trying to get more, but my pcp was hesitant and I couldn’t get in to see the psychiatrist yet, the assistant started me on wellbutrin which I started to take, then decided, NO. I’ll talk more about this later and insert a link here. I was also smoking A LOT of weed towards the last week, which exacerbated my anxiety to the point where I was in an almost constant state of severe anxiety, I almost wanted to die) Continue reading “Dreams 9/21/2016”
One dream comprised of various story lines.
Me and my husband J are on a rooftop with his parents. His parents are looking out and me and J are like newlyweds. (as in waking life) There is a light Caribbean type song playing in the background. We have talked about how I have lost my memory but I used to dance on the rooftop with J. So I ask him to dance even though I’m embarrassed and even second guess myself. J’s mom turns around and watches us dance with a smile. I feel clumsy and wooden in my movements, but I twirl anyway. I say sorry I’m not as good as HER(as if my past self were another person) and J says no, you did great, with sincerity. (just as he would in waking life)
We go into our apartment from a rooftop glass door and a huge pigeon flies in. Then it looks like its just a long neck with a head on a bulbous body. Continue reading “Drowning in the Rain (dreams)”